Fatherhood and Social Isolation

Transitioning from my youth, I spent quite a bit of my early adult years in the United States, Boston, Massachusetts, to be specific, where I cultivated my social habits and norms, built friendships, and immersed myself in various events, mostly West Indian/Caribbean events.

My move to the United Kingdom even felt like a seamless continuation, albeit with a touch more British charm.

Social isolation was not something that I had to deal with or even crossed my mind. However, relocating to Ensenada has been a stark departure from my previous experiences, introducing social isolation amid the unfamiliar surroundings.

The language barrier, coupled with my limited circle of acquaintances and the new reality of working from home and juggling a few AirBnBs, has made it difficult to maintain the level of social engagement I once enjoyed.

Lately, my interactions are primarily centerd around school-related activities for the children and attending church on Saturdays, marking a significant shift in my social landscape.

Stepping into full-time fatherhood as a stay-at-home dad has been the biggest change of my life so far.

The biggest change for me was the immediate identity shifts in my career and lifestyle after relocating to a different country, which included the financial challenge of finding the right school and healthcare system for starters.

The wife went off to work as a travel nurse due to her work demands, and everything was on me for the kids’ well-being. As a dad, it was up to me to find the right balance, and I’m here to tell you we can do it. I am proof of that.

The new norm might consist of cooking, prepping meals, or homework, or, in my case, starting a blog while looking for a career change. Like the Yiddish proverb says, “We plan, God laughs.” Reality diverges from our plans quite significantly.

Signs and Effects of Isolation

Loneliness is more than just the occasional feeling alone. It’s a complex emotional response, often leading to emotional distress, from a lack of connection or communication with others.

When you’re experiencing this, you might feel like no one understands you or that you are completely alone. This feeling can be multiplied as a stay-at-home dad, where your daily interactions are mostly with your children.

Have you ever felt uncomfortable making small talk, scrambling for things to talk about with multiple awkward silences rearing their head; yep, same here.

Social withdrawal is a product of losing interpersonal skills. Simple things like speaking to someone or making new friends can become a skill of the past. Humans are social beings.

Overcoming Fatherhood and Isolation without Friends

Isolation is a human experience that affects age, gendermor even one’s social status. Although we love and have friends, being without them does not mean you are doomed.

There are ways I deal with the isolation that allow me to keep a connection with the outside world without the social interaction and friends that keep me pretty sane.

Just to be clear, I do have social interactions, but not as often as I did before.

I think it is important for US to know our sense of connection is not solely dependent on the people around us.

One way that worked for me to prevent loneliness was an internal shift in mindset and self-perception. Our feelings of connection should mainly depend on how we view ourselves and not on what outside influences add to our lives.

This research, conducted in the United Kingdom, United States, Canada and Australia, provides conclusive evidence supporting the link between fatherhood and isolation.

This research supports the evidence that having close social ties is important for fathers’ mental health. Fathers without close social ties report being more likely to experience increased stress levels in the first 12 months of becoming a father (33% say their stress levels increased a lot compared with 23% of all men with at least one close social tie).

Despite this, the research also identified that some men lose contact with others when they become fathers, with a fifth (20%) of fathers saying that the number of close social ties they had decreased in the 12 months after becoming fathers.

Findings:

Other key findings from the research are:

• Seven in ten (70%) fathers say that their stress levels increased in the 12 months after becoming a father for the first time.
• Becoming a father can be an isolating experience. Almost a quarter (23%) of fathers say they felt isolated when they first became fathers.
• Becoming a father can influence men’s behaviours, which negatively impacts their physical health*. Over half (56%) of fathers say that they experienced at least one negative health behavior in the 12 months after becoming a father for the first time.*
• Men are feeling pressured and inadequate to be good fathers. 53% of current fathers and 50% of all men say that men are under more pressure nowadays to be good fathers.
• The quality of social connections is important. Fathers who are dissatisfied with the quality of their social connections and lack emotional support are more likely to experience increased stress levels after becoming a father, not handle this stress well, feel that no one is looking out for them and feel isolated.
• Men (and fathers) don’t always recognize the importance of close social ties. When asked to choose three very important aspects of their lives, less than a fifth of men (18%) say that having close social ties is very important to them.
• There is a sizeable group of men who say they are satisfied with their social connections, yet who could not or would not talk to others about their problems. Over half (51%) of men who could not or would not talk to others about their problems are satisfied with the quality of their social connections.
• Men can find it difficult to talk about problems with others, such as mental health. 18% of men (and 16% of fathers) say they could not, or would not, talk to someone about problems they were finding it hard to cope with.
• Satisfaction with social connections is lowest during the middle years. 43% of both 55+ year olds and 18-34 year olds say they are very satisfied with the quality of their social connections, compared with 34% of 35-54 year olds.
• The pressures of being a father are more likely to affect young fathers. They are more likely to say they felt isolated when first becoming a dad (40% of 18-35 year-old fathers compared to 11% of 55+ year-old fathers) and they are more likely to say their stress levels increased a lot in the first 12 months of becoming a father (29% vs. 17%). New fathers in particular face these challenges acutely.

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Coping Strategies to Deal with Feeling Lonely

So understanding the signs and effects of loneliness is half the battle; let’s get into how to deal with being lonely. One of my daily, most effective ways to stay connected is via video chat with my family.

With family members ranging from the UK, a few Caribbean islands, and some US states like Atlanta and New York, thanks to WhatsApp.

We get deep into food, politics, religion, and everything in between, but that’s just us. It could be as simple as meeting with family members, joining an online community or forums, or even participating in virtual events.

Another strategy is to practice mindfulness and meditation. Mindfulness can help you stay present and appreciate the moments you have, rather than focusing on what you’re missing.

It also builds emotional intelligence for a better internal shift in mindset and self-perception. Meditation, on the other hand, can help reduce feelings of stress and anxiety that often accompany loneliness.

Every morning, immediately after dropping the kids at school, I spend about 15 minutes in meditation listening to the Guru himself, Isha Krya. I know it helps me in a few ways; it slows down a very busy day and clears my mind for the day ahead.

Life is already hectic, so take some time for self-care in your mental space, 15 minutes might just do it.

Depression Caused by Loneliness

Depression caused by loneliness can be hard to identify, as the symptoms can often be mistaken for just feeling down. Do not just overlook it; it’s important to recognize the signs to seek help if needed.

The feeling can be masked as persistent long-term sadness, a lack of motivation, changes in sleep patterns, and even physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues.

Ways to Prevent Loneliness

To combat loneliness as a stay-at-home dad, it may require some out-of-the-box thinking. Participating in local parenting groups or events can be a great way to connect with other parents and help break up the monotony of daily routines.

If these aren’t available, consider starting your own. Online platforms can be an excellent place to connect with others and share experiences.

Another, attending a local church or gathering of that kind. It’s a great place to gather together and sing and pray and all that good stuff if you’re into that stuff. I love singing, but the feeling is not mutual, unfortunately.

It’s wonderful to see how, in Ensenada, when we opt out of going to church on a Saturday, we will instead volunteer at a shelter and donate our time to provide financial and manual support to a greater cause.

Volunteering time, food supplies, clothing, books, and so much more to the less fortunate is a reasonable way to meet new folks and also put you in a mental state of gratitude, contributing to different communities.

Spending time on a cause is a great way to introduce your kids to helping others without reciprocation. With the little ones in tow, a lesson is always to be learned. This act of good provides a sense of accomplishment and purpose, combating feelings of loneliness.

Challenges for the Socially Isolated Dad

There are days, and everyone has them, when anything that can go wrong will, leaving you feeling invisible, and instead of losing yourself, it’s best to take a break.

On a day like that, I take the dog for a walk or go for a drive to escape the loss of freedom in my routine, and clear my head to some reggae music.

It is perfectly fine to put yourself first at times; it helps in the long run. It is necessary to be in a good mental space to be there for our children, as they need us to be.

It’s also key to steer clear of negative health behaviors, such as increased alcohol use, which can deepen the isolation.

Preventing Isolation

I make it a habit to self-reflect as much as possible. I tend to do it at night before I nod off. It gives me time to think of ways that I might have misread a situation or to improve on different aspects of building healthy relationships.

This could have been with parents from the kid’s school or working from an internet cafe.

To prevent social isolation, there will need to be a level of bravery and putting yourself out there. For starters, get involved with events at the kids’ school, something you can volunteer to get acquainted with other parents. Be intentional with your time and efforts.

Prioritize your mental and physical well-being while nourishing your body, mind, and spirit to prevent burnout.

Breaking the Cycle of Social Isolation

A major problem in breaking habits is to stop habitual activities we have embedded in ourselves for years, including avoidance coping. There will need to be a willful change in the things we do and how we do them.

That comes with self-evaluation, time and perseverance. In time, you can build meaningful relationships and have a fulfilling social life. Have some self-compassion, after we are just humans.

Don’t let loneliness define your experience of fatherhood.

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