Integrity: making the right decisions when no one’s looking
When I think about the values to teach your children, I used to picture myself as a child who follows directions without question. That’s not a child I want to bring into the world, though, is it?
I grew up in Montserrat in the 80s, where questions or backtalk were considered disrespectful and went against the cardinal rule.
Now, I welcome a healthy back-and-forth with my children. I want them to ask questions, challenge things respectfully, and develop critical thinking instead of simply following orders.
That’s when I need the values I’ve taught them to do some of the parenting I can’t.
Something Stronger Than Rules
Rules are useful tools, and without them, my house would probably descend into full chaos with nobody admitting who did what.
But rules and values are not one and the same. Rules set immediate behavioral expectations, while values help my child decide what to do when authority figures aren’t there. They form the cornerstone of a child’s ongoing moral development.
Each family’s core values can vary with faith, culture, personality, disability, blended families, money, spiritual development, and where we live.
But there are certain family values that are core to us all, at least I would like to think so:
- Honesty: Tell the truth, even when it’s hard.
- Kindness: Treat people how you want to be treated.
- Respect and responsibility: Watch how you speak to folks, especially when you’re angry.
- Empathy: Focus on building empathy by trying to see someone else’s perspective.
- Patience: Learn to handle waiting, frustration, and slow progress.
- Gratitude: Develop an attitude of gratitude for everything you have.
- Courage: Do what you believe is right, even when you’re nervous about doing it.
- Fairness: Understand that life gives and takes, but it’s all fair.
- Self-control: Learn self-regulation and remember that you cannot react to everything.
Values Matter Even When Nobody’s Watching
This is where teaching children values becomes more interesting in my specific parenting situation: parenting from afar.
I can enforce rules when I’m physically there. But what happens when I’m not?
Parenting from afar means preparing my boys for independent decision-making, not keeping a parenting angel over their shoulders. That’s where integrity, self-respect, and accountability become part of who they are.
Integrity: Who Are You When Nobody Is Watching?
Integrity is doing the right thing even when getting caught isn’t part of the equation. It becomes an internal moral compass.
I don’t expect my boys to get it right every time; shoot, I didn’t and still don’t. But I want them to build a healthy internal line they don’t like crossing because they know who they are.
Self-Respect With Humility
As my boys move through middle childhood, I want them to know their worth and feel comfortable using the word no.
I want them to be okay leaving a friendship that continually hurts them, and comfortable speaking up when something feels off.
But self-respect and ego are best of friends, and the two shouldn’t be confused. Confidence isn’t walking into every room believing you’re the most important person in it, but knowing you’re good enough to be there. Balancing confidence with humility is part of everyday character building.
Accountability: Own It, Fix It, Learn From It
Mistakes aren’t the biggest problems. Refusing to own them and learning from them is. Every mistake is a teachable moment.
“I didn’t mean to” has probably been spoken by children approximately 14 billion times since parenting began.
And sometimes it’s completely true, but intent matters. Meeting honesty with positive reinforcement instead of explosive anger helps children feel comfortable admitting mistakes.
We know at least a few grown adults who never take responsibility, and it’s always someone else’s fault. That drives me up the wall.
The things I want my boys to learn are simple, practical, applicable terms:
Say what happened without immediately reaching for an excuse.Apologize to whoever was affected.Fix whatever can reasonably be fixed through constructive problem solving.Figure out what you'll do differently next time.
That’s accountability, and parents have to practise it too. When I get something wrong, I need to own it. Modeling accountability is one of the most effective long-distance parenting strategies, and we can revisit these lessons during calm family meetings. Kids spot hypocrisy fast.
Actions Over Words
This is the uncomfortable bit, where consistency takes center stage. Our child sees us.
I can talk about values to teach my kids ’til I’m red in the face, but I must back it up with my actions.
They notice:
- How I speak when I’m angry.
- How I treat their mom.
- How I treat strangers.
- How I react when things go sideways.
- Whether I walk the walk and talk the talk.
Children have an irritating ability to remember what they want to, especially the things that incriminate you. (These kids, huh?)
When I get it wrong, owning my mistakes openly creates powerful teachable moments of example.
Resilience Isn’t Pretending Nothing Hurts
Life in general hurts, and as a dad parenting from afar, I understand that firsthand. Being honest and open helps, especially when I let others know how I’m feeling.
I let my children in so they can accept that they’ll feel pain in their own lives, too.
I want my boys to know that accepting pain instead of hiding it builds genuine emotional resilience. Strength means not pretending everything is fine.
Resilience is being able to say:
This hurt me.
Then deciding what comes next.
Sometimes it means asking for help or trying again. Sometimes it means accepting that something didn’t work out and moving forward anyway. That’s the root of true perseverance and resilience.
I don’t need my boys to become robots. Emotional honesty and intelligence support their social-emotional development.
I want them to become men who can feel something, deal with it, and keep moving forward.
Your Word Is Your Bond
Keeping commitments grounds strong parent-child relationships, especially when our time together happens over video or phone calls. When I tell my kids I’ll call, they need to know I will.
If I promise something, I need to remember. If I forget or can’t follow through, I’ll apologize and explain why.
Life happens, and they need to learn that, too.
Reliability teaches things lectures cannot. Following through is central to character building. Living with reliability and integrity also strengthens a child’s inner spiritual development.
You mattered enough for Dad to remember.
When Character Becomes the Tether
I remember growing up with vague memories of being a good kid. I’d overhear people telling my parents I was well-behaved, and their proud expressions have stayed with me.
That was graduation-level parenting, not on my part, but my parents’. They weren’t perfect; they got things wrong, just like I do now. But intention matters. When unconditional love is the foundation, everything else can fall into place.
Kindness, Not Being a Pushover
One of my boys can be a bit of a pushover, and it hits me hard because I recognize that version of myself.
When I was younger in Boston, even after my father bought me my first car, I still did things I didn’t want to do. The fear of disappointing people or being rejected ran deeper than my own boundaries.
I want my boys to be kind, but never at the cost of self-respect. Building empathy is part of true kindness, and learning boundaries is essential to long-term character building.
- Kindness means helping people and being willing to forgive.
- Healthy boundaries mean saying, “No,” “I need space,” or “Don’t speak to me like that.”
A soft heart and a backbone should be allowed to live in the same person.
Family First
My two younger boys are like Tom and Jerry, a familiar dynamic in middle childhood. They argue back and forth and step into each other’s affairs.
I use positive discipline to defuse tensions, and quick family meetings help realign them around what matters. Family first is something I drill into them every day and twice on Sundays.
Family first doesn’t mean agreeing all the time. It means learning constructive conflict resolution, disagreeing without trying to hurt one another, and showing up when someone needs help.
I don’t expect them to be best friends every minute, but I want them to cherish our family bond. That loyalty supports spiritual development and nurtures a lasting attitude of gratitude.
Frequently Asked Questions
What values are most important to teach children?
Honesty, kindness, respect, responsibility, empathy, patience, gratitude, courage, fairness, and self-control all help children make thoughtful choices. Each family may emphasize different values, but everyday examples help make them meaningful.
How can parents teach values without relying on punishment?
Talk about values during calm moments, use family meetings, and treat mistakes as opportunities to learn. Positive discipline encourages children to own what happened, make amends, and think about what they might do differently next time.
How do children learn integrity?
Children learn integrity when they see adults tell the truth, keep commitments, and take responsibility for mistakes. Over time, these examples help them build an internal sense of what feels right, even when no one is watching.
How can parents teach kindness while encouraging boundaries?
Show children that kindness includes caring for others, but does not mean accepting hurtful treatment. Help them practise saying no, asking for space, and speaking up respectfully when something feels wrong.
Instilled Values Become Automatic
When core values take root, honorable choices come naturally. The true finish line of intentional character building is raising young men with an unshakeable moral compass.
I’m trying to raise boys who know who they are when Dad isn’t there.
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