I consider myself fortunate to have a great co-parenting relationship with the mom of my children. We communicate openly, and I can always ask when I need to know something.
But occasionally, things slip through the cracks. The boys might spend a weekend with their grandmother in another state, and I only find out afterwards. It’s not that I have a problem with them going. It’s that little feeling of being left out.
I’ve learned, though, that not every disappointment needs to become an argument. Sometimes you have to appreciate the relationship you’ve built and recognise which battles are worth fighting.
These long-distance co-parenting tips come from my own experience of raising children across different time zones.
1. Your Feelings Don’t Come First
Being a non-residential parent can conjure a sense of resentment and jealousy you didn’t expect.
There’s guilt over missed moments, frustration when plans change, and sometimes jealousy when other people get to experience things with your children that you can’t.
I’ve written about that feeling in When Your Kids’ World Moves On Without You.
Please be advised, this is not an attack against deliberately excluding me, but it is the norm now. Before reacting, I ask myself whether something genuinely needs addressing or whether my feelings are doing the talking.
That’s emotional intelligence in parenting. You can acknowledge being hurt without allowing that hurt to create unnecessary parental conflict.
2. The Good Communication Rule
Good co-parenting doesn’t go without its fair share of disagreements. It means being able to discuss your children’s welfare without being disagreeable.
I’m grateful that I can ask my boys’ mother what’s happening and receive an answer without an attitude.
Still, how you ask matters.
Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you tell me the boys were going away?” try, “Next time they’re travelling, could you give me a heads-up, please?”
Same concern, completely different tone.
3. Make Calls A Pleasant Experience
Phone and video calls are a big part of long-distance parenting, but finding the sweet spot is tricky.
School, homework, sports, friends, and different time zones all make scheduling a possible hassle. And sometimes, after you’ve spent the day looking forward to a conversation, your child has absolutely nothing to say.
I’ve been there. It does not get any easier.
Instead, enter with no expectations. Try not to force long conversations unless they naturally happen; shorter is better sometimes.
Video calls can make conversations feel more personal and genuine. Pay attention to your child’s expressions, especially when you’re sharing an activity like a game.
Set a regular time to call, but leave room for plans to shift.
Between calls, send a voice note, a funny photo, or a quick message. Small, steady check-ins keep you close.
4. Stay Interested in Everyday Life
You might be able to get away with not being updated on some everyday occurrences, but birthdays and Christmas—oh, don’t you dare.
But knowing the little details gives us the upper hand in conducting a cordial conversation — one that will peak their interest and actually reciprocate.
Who’s your child’s best friend? What game are they playing? What happened at school that made them laugh?
These details help you feel part of their world.
Our kids want to know we care about their lives. You can tell, even when they don’t show it.
Where possible, ask to receive school newsletters and updates directly. Find out what’s happening during the school year instead of waiting for someone to tell you.
And when your children share something small, remember it.
When you follow up the following week, it shows you were listening.
5. Give Grace To The Co-Parent
Here’s a reality check.
The parent that’s managing everyday responsibilities has plenty going on.
School runs and all the constant madness of running a household in itself is a full-time job, so some correspondence will inevitably slip through the cracks.
Feeling out of the loop would be a reasonable feeling, especially if at some point you were a complete family.
But your co-parent isn’t a personal news service; on the flip side, important information should not be withheld. It means occasional oversights happen.
What you can do on your end is in your control, ask questions. Check upcoming activities. Find out whether the children have plans for the weekend.
If you have a parenting plan, make sure both parents understand how important decisions and information will be shared.
Cafcass’s Our Child’s Plan provides a useful framework around agreeing on communication, responsibilities, and children’s needs.
6. Know Which Battles Are Worth Fighting
Not every disappointment needs to become an argument.
When I hear about something later than I’d like, I’d be lying if I said it never bothers me. I’m their dad, so of course in a perfect world I would love to be there to enjoy all the things. But I’ve also learned to pull back and look at the bigger, more realistic picture.
Are the boys safe? Are they happy? Is our communication generally good?
If something affects their well-being or an agreement we’ve made, then yes, it deserves a conversation. But if it’s a small oversight, I try my best not to turn it into something bigger than it needs to be.
I’ve delved into the emotional rollercoaster here Dad Guilty? Does It Ever Leave?. Missing your kids can turn a molehill into a mountain before you even realise it.
You don’t have to pretend everything is fine. You just have to recognise when you’re upset about what’s happening in real time and when the deeper truth is simply that you miss being there.
Letting it go isn’t a bug. It’s a feature. It’s knowing what actually deserves your energy.
7. Build Your Own Bond With Your Children
Your co-parent is the intermediary to help keep communication open, especially when the kids are young, but eventually the responsibility is up to you after that.
Get curious about the world they’re living in. The games they play, the things they’re learning, the hobbies they suddenly can’t stop talking about.
As they change, the relationship has to keep moving with them. The aim is for calls to feel like real time together.
8. Get Visits on the Calendar Early
At the very least, I get my boys for the summer, so I try to plan their travel dates as early as possible around their school schedule and their mom’s work.
The earlier, the better, because last-minute plans have a nasty habit of becoming expensive problems.
We learned that the hard way the last time around when we ended up having to deal with extra plane tickets, which I’m still slightly annoyed about, but I digress.
If their mom brings them over, I usually cover the flights. It’s one less thing for her to worry about financially, and I like to think I’m being the nice guy for once.
The boys always get excited about coming to England, and the planning usually starts long before they arrive.
Their favourite food spots get mentioned several times, just in case Dad somehow forgets, which apparently would be considered a serious parenting offence.
9. Change What Isn’t Working
With time, our children change, their habits, likes and dislikes and even characteristics.
What worked when your child was five probably won’t work when they’re ten.
That doesn’t mean they love you any less. It only means what you’ve been doing might need adjusting.
Maybe an evening call clashes with sports. Perhaps voice messages during the week and a longer weekend conversation work better.
Have a quick chat with your co-parent and, where appropriate, listen to what your children prefer.
You can also agree on an emergency protocol, so both parents know how to reach each other quickly when something important happens.
What If Your Co-Parent Won’t Cooperate?
I am aware my experience isn’t everyone’s reality.
Some parents struggle to arrange calls or discuss their children without conflict or anything in between.
If that’s your situation, keep messages calm, specific, and focused on the children. Put important arrangements in writing where appropriate.
Where safe and suitable, mediation or family support may help. If there are safety concerns or legal orders, seek appropriate professional advice.
What not to do is to carry every difficult emotion alone. I’ve written about why men need a place to talk, especially when family life becomes overwhelming.
Good Co-Parenting Isn’t Perfect Co-Parenting
I’m thankful for the relationship I have with the mother of my children.
We don’t get everything right, and sometimes I still feel left out. But I’ve learned that a healthy relationship is worth more than winning every disagreement.
For me, successful long-distance co-parenting comes down to respect, communication, consistency, and remembering that the children come first.
At BajaDad Services, I’m developing a personalised Parenting From Afar Connection Plan to help parents find better ways to communicate and stay connected with their children.
Because sometimes, finding a different way forward is the only way forward.
Thank you for reading—your time here matters. If something in this journey resonated, I’d love to hear your experience or tips for keeping the connection alive, no matter the miles.
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